It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, much has taken place over the past few months.  A week from today I will officially be living in Midlothian, VA.  God has been doing great things, often times in spite of me and my mistakes.  I started thinking back on the journey he has taken me on and I thought I would do a timeline so that his grace and sovereignty can be shown over the last decade of my life. Keep in mind this is God’s doing not mine, most of the time I had no clue what was going on or what was coming next. There are many exciting and fun things that have happened but there are also many sobering and painful experiences as well.

1998: after graduating high school I spent a year working 2 jobs and driving to L.A. 3 times a week to take classes in Music and Theatre at Fullerton College in CA. Life was exhausting and I was living for myself and to further my name. I told God one Sunday at a church service that I no longer wanted to live for myself that my life was not my own. I asked him to do what he wanted with it. A few months later I received a call from a group called Living Proof/Primary Focus asking me if I would be interested in this ministry, I wasn’t.  I realized later that day that I had prayed about an opportunity to serve others and be used by God, I realized that this was it.

1998-2001: I was hesitant about joining this group because at the time I wanted to be a professional actor. I couldn’t help but acknowledge that God brought this opportunity my way so I knew this is where I needed to be. I quit my jobs, school, and left my friends and family behind in CA. I traveled with this group for 3 years. During this time I learned how to depend on God because I was in a different school, church, or home every day. I learned that people are messy but so am I and we both need Christ. I learned that I can do a lot more than I think I can do and that perseverance is key.

2001-2005: it was never really a desire of mine to get a college degree because academics had always seemed stale and cold to me.  My final year on Living Proof my director asked if I would be interested in auditioning for the team The Sounds of Liberty at Liberty University in VA. I knew nothing of the group or the school. I prayed that if God wanted me in college that he would get there. I received a call from the director of The Sounds about a month later offering me a spot on the group which would cover my tuition and room and board, shocked and overwhelmed I said yes. While at Liberty I gained a new respect and excitement for education and a desire to learn more about God, the Bible and the world around me. I learned that theology helps solidify my faith, that God’s hand can be seen throughout history, and that the Bible shows us the way things are.  I traveled to many churches and schools with Sounds and got to see the state of the Church in America today. I graduated in 2005 and tried to take the story into my own hands.

2005-2007: In my final year at Liberty I got into a relationship with a girl which became a very self seeking time. I was bitter and disgusted at some of the things that I had seen in the church, I was disappointed in myself, and I was not living to honor God. I don’t blame any of this on the relationship I was in, it was merely a reflection of the inward dark heart that I had at this time. I was working two jobs, I had no friends that were actively involved in my life, I was not growing spiritually and I was miserable. At the beginning of 2007 the relationship fell apart and so did I. I had based my hope and joy on a person which was not wise of me and was an unrealistic expectation on her.

2007-2009: I had no idea what to do next; I began to pray in a desperate way to God.  I am thankful for the mercy of God. He showed me that I had been trying to squeeze my story into his and that life doesn’t work that way. I realized that God was telling the story all along and that I need to listen and follow him in order to be to share in that story. Anything besides that was a dead life. There are many older men at this point in my life that mentored me and poured into me. I learned that I was not just saved from something but that I was saved to something, that God wanted me to be a missionary in my own culture and that as a member of Christ’s body I am an agent of change in the world. I learned that my time spent with God was crucial and non-negotiable. I also learned that I can’t do life alone, that I am in need of community and that being a part of a local church is vital. In 2008 I had the opportunity to lead worship and to write original worship songs for a new church plant in the area called Converge Church. I did this for a year and learned so much about myself and others and most of all God. As I grew close to the guys that started the church I realized that God had been leading me towards church planting and worship leading. In a week I will move to the Richmond area ready to live out the mission of Jesus. I am so honored that God would allow me to be a part of building his kingdom. I need more and more grace every day as he continues to bring me along in his story.

I read this, this morning, I don’t have much to say that it doesn’t already say. I hope it causes you to Worship God.

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good so that your mouth is renewed like the eagles.

The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame, he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all.

Bless the Lord, O you his angels, you mighty ones who do his word, obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the Lord, all his hosts, his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the Lord, all his works, in all places of his dominion. Bless the Lord, Oh my soul!”
Psalm 103:1-22

I have to be reminded of this constantly because every minute of the day I am caught up in lesser joys. I am convinced that the worst thing is not necessarily placing value on bad things but placing too much value on good things to where they take the place of the Best thing. I hope that makes sense somehow. Recently I have been challenged by the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30, before you read any further, read it here.

I have recently been changed because the giftings and abilities God has given me are finally lining up with the opportunities that he provides. The hard part now is staying focused on using it to build God’s Kingdom and realizing that every part of life is caught up in that.

I recently listened to a Matt Chandler message (as i often do) on this passage, I would strongly urge you to do the same as I think it is very encouraging. These are the moments that challenged me:

“As natural abilities begin to grow and become visible to the world around us opportunities come, opportunities intrinsically belong to God, they are given based off natural ability. The more natural ability you have the more opportunity you have. They were given to us not for our own use and our own gain but for the gain of the Kingdom. This text is about what you do with the opportunities that come your way based off the gifting that Christ gifted you with.

This is talking about how we see the world. How do we see the world? Do we really see that this is light and momentary and that there is a future glory coming? Do we see our money as not being ours but rather as money for the Kingdom to fund the Kingdom and to do good eternally? Do we see our opportunities, our free time, our Saturdays as a way to build the Kingdom?

What do you really value? What do you really treasure? What are you really after? Don’t tell me Jesus, don’t give me the church answer. Look into your heart, look into your wallet, and look into how you use your time. They’ll betray you or they’ll convince you. In the end God is after your joy, he is not honored in begrudging submission. The only way to have that kind of joy is to walk in freedom. The only way to walk in that kind of freedom is to live life with an open hand.”

I don’t know much else to say after that. This causes me to examine myself and then seek God and ask for help. I hope it does that for you too.

Ok,  I know I have been a little unoriginal lately and have basically been putting quotes from books on here, but this has to be put out somewhere for everyone to read.

I am reading Larry Crab’s Inside Out right now and it is rocking my world. So here is a small section from the first chapter that I think is crucial:

“Just a quick glance beneath the surface of our life makes it clear that more is going on than loving God and loving others. It requires only a moment of self reflection to realize that, no matter how much we may have already changed, we still have a long way to go. We know things are not as they should be. Something is wrong.

Ever since God expelled Adam and Eve from the garden, we have lived in an unnatural environment, a world in which we were not designed to live. We were built to enjoy a garden without weeds, relationships without friction, fellowship without distance. But something is wrong, and we know it, both within our world and within ourselves. Deep inside we sense we’re out of the nest, always ending the day in a motel room, never at home. When we’re honest, we see we handle our discomfort by keeping our distance from people, responding more to our fears than to another’s desire for love.

We wish we were better than we are, but we’re not. And that realization brings shame, a desire to hide, to avoid real contact, to present to others only that part of us we think will be well received. We want to hide the rest- not because we desire to avoid offending others with our ugly side, but because we fear their rejection. We live for the purpose of self protection, clinging to whatever brings happiness and security. The effect is a discouraging distance between ourselves and the people we long to be close to. The quality of our life diminishes.”

Well doesn’t that make you want to jump right out of bed in the morning?! As hard as some of these things are to face, its necessary if we are to be honest and real with ourselves, with God and with a lost world that needs to see that Jesus really changes people. When we go to the hard places in us and stop pretending that we are fine we create an opportunity for God to begin to transform us by his grace. If it really is Jesus that we have then we will change for it is his nature to reconcile us to God.

So I am reading a Bill Hybels book right now called Holy Discontent. I am normally not a big Hybels fan but i like this book and it is helping me turn my deconstruction into something productive. In this specific chapter he is referencing a book written by Robert Quinn called Building The Bridge As You Walk On It. In the book Quinn mentions two different ways of living: normal and fundamental. (now this is not fundamental in the bible thumping, no dancing, mostly legalistic church way):

“‘When we accept the world as it is, we deny our ability to see something better, and hence our ability to be something better. We become what we behold. To remain in the normal state is ultimately to choose slow death.’ The normal state is so self seeking that you can spin your wheels for a lifetime and never once impact the world around you. In the fundamental state, however, people care so much about getting results that they begin to move and breathe in a totally different realm. Thy operate with intentionality. They act with massive doses of enthusiaism and persistance. They surrender their ego because they simply can’t afford their pride. They open themselves up to any and all new ideas and forms of input-regardless where those suggestions come from. People who operate in a “fundamental” state of mind concentrate at higher levels and focus more intensely because the goal they’re pursuing demands it. They take risks they wouldn’t normally take..because they have to- there’s too much at stake not to! Their creativity kicks up a notch. Their energy soars. Their passion swells.”

It seems to me that those who operate in the “fundamental” state are the ones who are following the mission of Jesus instead of looking for ways to squeeze him into “what i want to do with my life”.

It made me think of something Jesus once said, “Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.”- Luke 17:33

there are a lot of people who talk a lot about what they want to do or who they are and what they stand for. i am one of those people.

i suppose i have a desire for people to think well of me. the problem with this is that i am often an idealist, what i say isn’t really what is actual. its not that i am lying, but if i am saying one thing and i know inside me that i’m not really living and being what i say than i am self deceived. i’m sure that i have also led many to believe that i am a good person and that i have it together.

i was reminded of something the other day after reading James 1:22-24:

“Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in the mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.”

if there is anything that is admirable or good in me it is Jesus Christ. so there are a few things that i must remember in order that i might truly live.

1. God is in control…always…which means he does what he wants.

2. Jesus is the driving force behind everything, his life, death and resurrection completely changed history and has the power to change any life.

3. apart from Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit in me, i am powerless to live life the way God intended.

4. i need the community and encouragement of the local church in order to stay on the path to God. (this is a tangible way of seeing Christ on earth)

5. the mission that Jesus began and is still accomplishing is meant to be carried on through those who he has redeemed. (this is not because he needs us but because he has   chosen us, it is our privelage.)

because i am now aware of these things, my life will never be the same. every day God is killing the parts of me which live for anything other than these things. he does this because he loves me and he desires my greatest joy. i don’t always cooperate with this process which makes it harder, however, he continues to remind me that he knows what is best and that he has been the only faithful and consistent thing from the beginning.

i will fail and people will fail me, often. the important thing is that i keep my hope in Jesus and throughout a lifetime trust and obey him, this is the key to real joy (some may call it happiness).

what i am saying here i am saying to me because i need to hear it right now.

when i was a kid i said a prayer after talking to my brother about bible stories in the old testament. i said this prayer because in my young mind at the time it sounded like a good deal, i get heaven forever and i don’t have to go to hell. many years later,when i was 18, i got tired of living for myself and feeling that life was pointless and told God that he could have it all if he would just give me Jesus and direction.

it has been 11 years (yikes!) since i said that and meant it. it has been an amazing adventure so far, one of joy and pain and peace and tension and love and struggle. i love Jesus today more than ever and am committed to his mission on this earth. i don’t say this so that you will be impressed because God isn’t, it was his plan from the beginning.

so what is it about? once a person has committed their life to Jesus what happens?

i can tell you this, the life we have been led to believe is successful by our cultures standard is not the life that Jesus calls us to. this is what i have discovered in the past 2 years and wish that i could have discovered sooner. Louie Giglio helped me a little by saying this:

“i’ve got such a small story of me and i’m living it in the middle of a massive story of You, and i’m faced with a choice. do i want to keep starring in a little bitty story of me or do i want to surrender my life and join the great big story of God?”

this is something that i have to ask every day, sometimes every hour or minute. there is a reason that God saved me and it wasn’t just so that i could go to heaven or sin less, although those are both involved. so i had to ask myself, do i really think that i am going to tell a greater story than the one that God has already been telling since before creation?

there is no easy formula, there is no 5 step book, emotional time of worship, sermon series, denominational affiliation, or church program that will align my life with Jesus’ plan. (although God’s church plays a central role in this, more on that later.)

i have found it is a life long, slow, difficult, enduring commitment to Jesus no matter what happens.

i have so much i want to say but i think God says it best in his own words:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”- 1 Peter 1:3-9

If only. these words pop up in my mind constantly and i hear them spoken frequently by those around me.

If only i had more time. If only i had more money. If only i was married. If only i was single. If only i could go to this thing, talk to this person, watch this movie, read this book

then ___ would happen and life would be better and more complete and i would be happy.

I start to long for these with only’s and i sense deep within me a desire for something that these are only symptoms of; a relationship with someone who will never leave me, who will tell me the truth, who will love me when i am unlovable, who has my ultimate good in mind.

I have this already and there is no ideal that i have dreamed up in my mind that could ever come close to it. Jesus is the ultimate reality and life in His kingdom is the life He died to bring. Since the fall of mankind in Genesis we have only been able to dream of the ideal because of the sin and darkness that separated us from God. Now that Jesus has come he is actively reconciling those who believe in him back to God. As we know Jesus more we become more real, we become alive, we become what God designed us to be.

Eternal life is not only life that doesn’t end but a quality of life that reflects the character and will of God. In the book of John, Jesus said:

“and this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.”- John 17:3

As i learn to trust Jesus and understand that he desires my good and that he is the key to real living i find that all things in life are working to this end; that God might receive glory and that i might receive hope and joy and love and peace and purpose.

This process of being made real is not an easy one. so…where are you at?

am i allowed to say that? it really is true though. i don’t know whats best for me. i depend on God’s direction daily.

on his way back from talking with the woman at the well Jesus was hanging out with the disciples. they were urging him to eat and he told them “i have food to eat that you don’t know about.” i can just imagine some of them talking amongst themselves trying to figure out where he had stashed his food.

Jesus told them”my food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work.”- John 4:32-34
now i know at this point most people start thinking “well this is Jesus we are talking about here i mean he was God and so thats why he says things like that.”

sure thats true, but he was a man, he breathed air, he worked a job, he got angry, he laughed. i truly believe that Jesus came not only to die and rise again so that we could live but also to set an example for how we are to live.

“God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me.”- Colossians 1:27-29

mature in Christ. is this attainable? most Christians believe that they will be glorified and made like him once they are caught up and leave this life. rightfully so if you read Philippians 3:20-21.

i think that Christ wants to start that process of making us like himself now. this is tough because everything we are surrounded by is opposed to what he lived for. some days are better than others but as Christians i believe that this is how God shows his glory.

Jesus was so focused on the work that God had for him “the son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the father doing. For whatever the father does, that the son does likewise.” - John 5:19

i have work to do that God prepared for me. may i be so connected to the father that i do what he does, that i love what he loves, that i think about what he does.

ok thats it. just wanted to confess that.